Original McDonald’s Commercial

There’s been a lot of fuss this week about McDonald’s new Happy Meal #McScary mascot because he looks stupid. Why the fuck would we expect anything else from a company that has brought us giant purple blobs to sell us shitty burgers and cancer-causing french fries? Why the hell does this new character outrage everyone?

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Virtual Reality for Chickens Exist, Because We’re Idiots

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Our livestock industry is fucked up. There’s no getting around that. It’s filled with cruelty, environmental pollution, and terribly unhealthy additives. Humans created this incredibly complex, greed-centric industry, and now they’re trying to address some of the industry’s problems in just as fucked-up ways. Because, of course, that is OUR way. Case in point: someone has created a virtual reality for poultry to trick them into thinking they are living full, healthy, happy lives.

In other words, someone built The Matrix for chickens. I shit you not. And they trademarked their Virtual Free Range™ technology, because they are that sure this is what the world needs.

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Ad Company Uses Malala Yousafzai to Sell Mattresses

Ad giant Ogilvy and Mather recently produced an ad for Indian mattress company, Kurl-On, that featured Malala Yousafzai getting shot in the head, and then magically “bouncing back” by sleeping on the fucking mattress. The video above has all the details of that mess.

I’m pretty sure that’s as low as it gets, in terms of sensational advertising. Here is this child, an unwitting hero activist for girls’ education, who got shot in the head by the Taliban. She went through a terrible ordeal, just for speaking about the right for girls to be educated, and survived. To use her to sell mattresses is absolutely disgusting.

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My First Mention In The NY Times

And they totally got their facts wrong. I didn’t mention the article at the time, because there was a lot of heat going around over one of my clients, and anything I had to say about it would have been moot, because everyone would think I was too bias. Here are the facts:

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Eugenics. I Get It.

Here’s my theory: the 1%, the powers that be, the illuminati – whatever you want to call the few people controlling society the most – The Man has a full-fledged eugenic plan to get rid of weak people with no willpower or no ability to think for themselves by encouraging them to be extremely unhealthy. Our obesity and terrible culture epidemics are signs of eugenics at work. And it’s working like a charm. I’m talking to you, pudding bag, in your I Love Bacon shirt. That’s my theory. Here’s how I got there.

This is the dictionary definition of Eugenics:

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Chained to Death: Domino’s Trying to Open in Italy

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Domino’s pizza is trying to figure out how to open some of its shitty “restaurants” in Italy. As in, home of pizza. As in, they have really, really good pizza there and definitely do not need Domino’s shitty version. And yet still, Domino’s wants to sell pizza there because, apparently, American corporations will not stop trying to “grow” until they’ve devoured our planet like a bunch of overgrown, greedy weeds. Seriously Domino’s – and all of chain corporations – when will you ever say, enough is enough?

The Associated Press just let loose an interview with Domino’s CEO Patrick Doyle, in which he discussed his optimistic ideas about selling his shitty pizza in Italy. Talking about the country, he said, “There’s a lot of pizza, but there’s not a lot of delivered pizza. So there may still be an opportunity.” This pisses me off for so many reasons!

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Claustrophiliacs Become Ascendant

Global Warming! Climate Change! The sky is falling! We are all doomed! Scientists don’t know shit! It’s all a conspiracy!

I think that covers the basics of all the different angles of hysteria that surrounds the fact that our planet’s climate is changing in our puny lifetimes. I guess that’s what happens when there are more frequent storms, and more people are directly affected by weather: hysteria about the strength of the beast that is awakening – a powerful, violent climate. A beast, at least, when compared to our frail infrastructure.

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University of Chicago Chooses Obama Library Over Trauma Care

Presidential libraries are nothing but a big ball of stupid. They house really stupid shit, like the interactive terror exhibit in President George W. Bush’s library. Or the Watergate exhibit at Nixon’s library. Or the Statistical Portraits in Clinton’s library. They are all filled with propaganda that praises these men for all the wonderful contributions they made during their presidencies, selectively leaving out the worst parts about the crimes they committed against humanity. They all do that. Except for Nixon’s Watergate exhibit. I don’t know what the fuck is up with that.

And they cost a shitload of money, too. The Clinton Presidential Library cost $165 million. President George W. Bush’s library cost about $250 million. However, both of those libraries were paid for entirely with private funds. So they can go ahead and waste as much money as they want on that stupid shit.

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Cellphones Are Bad Machines. Especially in Butts.

Anthony Alvey is a a 22-year-old who was heading to jail. And as anyone would do, who felt bad about what they did and was worried about surviving in jail, he shoved his cellphone up his butt to smuggle it into jail with him. I mean, who among us WOULDN’T do that, right?

We’re all so damn addicted to our cellphones, it’s absurd. And I admit, I am among the guilty. I’ve actually started conscientiously looking at the stupid thing a lot less. It doesn’t come out of the backpack at restaurants or bars anymore; it doesn’t sit on the couch with me at night anymore. I’m making the effort to break the addiction to it, and it’s actually pretty easy. And NICE. It’s so much of a nicer world around us than in the little machines! They are bad machines, for so many reasons!

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DOD Trying to Create “Moral” Robots, Should End Well

Everyone is talking about robots these days. Physicist Stephen Hawking just issued a warning about how AI will be the last thing we make before the robots take over. We’ve now got autonomous killer robots, which is also terrifying. Robots are also taking all of our jobs. In short, everyone in the chicken coop is squawking about how robots are the new canary in the mine; they are a sign of the end of times. Robots will be the death of us all. The Matrix is coming, so unless we make these robots nice and kind and instill Asimov’s Three Law’s of Robotics, we are fucking dooooomed. So it’s a good thing the US military is spending millions to imbue robots with a sense of morality! That can only be a good thing, right? Because nothing says moral like the US military!

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