Guess Which Company Now Has 100,000 Patents

May 15, 2014

Let me spare you the suspense: it’s 3M. The company that makes Post-It® Notes® and Scotch® Tape®. They are apparently fucking Einstein, because they just keep coming up with ideas that are so brilliant that they have to patent them. 3M is a veritable fucking genius!

All of our corporations are ridiculously patent happy. Amazon just patented taking a photo against a white background. FOR REAL. As if that is a brilliant innovation that no one else has ever thought of in the history of photography. Nike secured 540 patents last year alone, for shit like sneakers that tie themselves. Some dumb company is suing everyone, trying to say they have the patent on podcasting, and all these other people podcasting are ripping them off.

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Whiskey Pigs and the Economy Above All

May 15, 2014

I’m not sure how the hell the world turned into a 99-cent store, but it’s pissing me off. I don’t like 99-cent stores. They smell weird. They’re dirty. They play bad musak and their floors are sticky. And the shelves lined with little plastic pieces of shit offered up for us all to buy with the money we made at a job we hate are the worst part of all.

The piles and piles of shit we make! Humans don’t deserve to be kings of this planet, with the useless, toxic, energy-sucking trinkets and bobbles and tchotchkes we make just to earn pennies so we can participate in this terrible circle of boredom that rules our planet. Every time I hear about another useless product on the market, it makes me cringe. And a distillery making whiskey-flavored pigs is no exception.

Yeah, that’s right: The founders of Templeton Rye Distillery in Templeton, Iowa, are breeding pigs to taste like their signature bourbon. I’m guessing they’re thinking, hey, hipsters like bacon, and hipsters like bourbon, and hipsters are bored out of their fucking minds and will buy fucking anything if they think it sounds cool or ironic, let’s drum up some PR and dollars for our distillery by attempting to flavor live animals. Whatever. It’s not the worst product ever. Good for them. It’s a sound fucking business plan in an unsound society. But hearing about their whiskey-pigs crystallized something for me: the reason we all participate in this nonsense.

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Is That a Spire in Your Pocket Or…?

May 14, 2014

Humans build big stuff all the time. We strive to build the tallest building, or the longest bridge, no matter what the cost. It’s a recurring phenomenon throughout our history. Even the Bible has outsized building projects in it, like the Tower of Babel. And like the Tower of Babel, most of our outsized building projects end in disaster, or at least end up costing more lives and money than we ever imagined.

Bent Flyvjberg, an Oxford economist, spent 15 years researching this phenomenon, and he came to some interesting conclusions. First, he found that only one in a THOUSAND of these giant building projects actually finish on time, on budget, with no disasters. They are always clusterfucks. Right now, Qatar is building massive World Cup facilities, and over 900 workers have already died in the project. With all this failure, you have to wonder: why do we keep doing this?

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Carson City Wants to Ticket Kids For Bullying

May 14, 2014

Man, do I HATE our PC culture. I believe everyone should be able to say whatever they want, whenever they want. If we prevent people from being able to say whatever racist, hateful, terrible things they think, how else are we going to know they’re assholes? If terrible people are forced to walk around with a smile on their face and be fake, we won’t know to avoid them.

Instead of focusing on punishing people into submission, we should focus on teaching our kids how to deal with assholes. How to have thicker skin. How to be more evolved than bullies. But in our PC culture, we do the opposite. And now Carson City, California, wants to go even one step further. They want to ticket kids as young as 5 years old for bullying.

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Gay Marriage is a Threat to Birth Rates, Says KY Governor

May 13, 2014

I think eventually, gay marriage will be protected in every state in America. I personally believe it should be, because what the hell: this is America, land of the free to be you and me. Clearly the right to marry your same-sex partner is incredibly important to a lot of people, so let them do it. But until we get there as a nation, we’re going to have to listen to some really stupid bullshit, because change scares the shit out of people.

We’ll have to listen to people say gay marriage will lead to people marrying farm animals. We’ll have to put up with people trying to marry computers. And we’ll have to put up with idiots like Kentucky’s Governor Beshear, whose lawyers say Kentucky’s ban on gay marriage should be retained because only “man-woman” couples can naturally procreate — and the state has an interest in ensuring that they do. They say Kentucky has a legitimate interest in encouraging procreation to support “long-term economic stability through stable birth rates.”

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Wyoming Illustrates The True American Standard

May 13, 2014

wyoming

In the US, there is currently a push to have something called the Next Generation Science Standards approved by all states so that there is a basic level of science being taught to kids at every level from kindergarten through grade 12.

In the Standards is science concerning global warming. It’s basic stuff, though, and the science is solid enough where even oil and gas industry giants Exxon Mobile and Chevron support the Standards. In other words it’s not some left-wing Al Gore propagandist bullshit. It’s just fucking basic, non-political SCIENCE.

And yet Wyoming just became the first state to reject the Standards, and it’s because of the global warming science in them. The state is backtracking a bit now, saying they just need more time to review them, even though it was widely reported that their Board of Education did indeed reject the Standards.

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How Anniston, Alabama, Keeps Getting Screwed

May 13, 2014

For decades, the city of Anniston, Alabama, has gotten screwed. On one side of town, chemical companies, including everyone’s favorite, Monsanto, have been dumping toxic PCBs into the town’s groundwater and air. On the other side of town, the Fort McClellan army base was used to test biological and chemical weapons. And to no one’s surprise, now many soldiers who passed through the base are very, very sick. Also to no one’s surprise, the US government is reluctant to do anything about it.

I just can’t help but wonder why anyone signs up for the army. I mean, I get the pride and the honor and the duty thing, and I love that stuff. That’s all great. We need a hell of a lot more of that in the world, people who are willing to stand for something. There are far too few of them in the world right now, it’s all slacker hipsters who stand for nothing. So I get that reasoning of signing up for the military, I really do.

But that’s all theoretical, to me, at least, because there’s nothing honorable about the reality of how our military works tirelessly to get people of different cultures to bend to our capitalist, conformist ways. There’s nothing honorable about trying to enslave the rest of the world, or killing innocent people. The honor and duty part of the military is just a bunch of marketing crap to me.

Then, when you add to that the fact that this country treats its veterans like crap, and is now not helping the thousands of soldiers dying in fucking ALABAMA from toxic chemical exposure made by the military, it really becomes clear just how evil that military marketing can be.




The TRILLIONAIRES Are Coming!

May 12, 2014

If you know me, you know I think our financial system is bullshit. It’s made of smoke, mirrors, and your neighbor’s tears, and yet everyone keeps on buying into it.

And now, financial forecasters are saying it’s only a matter of about 25 years before the world’s first trillionaires materialize. The very idea of a trillionaire is such a joke! Just because we keep printing money doesn’t mean there is more value in the world! We’re just making it all up, none of this money is real, and yet we still keep striving for it.

If we were to add up all of the money people, companies, and governments owe, and add that total to the money people, companies, and governments are supposedly worth, the number would be astronomical and in no way, shape, or form anywhere near the actual amount of money in the world.

It’s all a joke, and everyone buys into it, so the bad people are winning. It’s just that simple. Now go and check your 401K balance to make sure you won’t die in retirement, because that’s what The Man told you will happen unless you buy into his system.




EPA Worker Watches Porn at Work, Doesn’t Get Fired

May 12, 2014

Investigators were taking a look into the EPA after it was revealed that someone was collecting paychecks from them long after they worked there. During the investigation, they actually walked in on an EPA worker watching porn at his desk. After investigating him, they found out that he had been watching porn at his desk for up to 6 hours daily for several years. Can you imagine doing that at your desk job? It’s so crazy! You’d be fired immediately, right?

Not at the EPA! The guy wasn’t fired after they realized how much he was porning out. In fact, he’s received bonuses while “working” at the agency. They also discovered the head of the EPA’s Office of Administration was selling jewelry and diet pills out of her EPA office, using her EPA email to do it, even. She also wasn’t fired immediately.

Those are crazy cases, and both made me wonder: what does it take to get fired from the federal government? Either of these cases are enough to fire someone. With millions of people on the payroll, the federal government must lay some people off, right? Well, it turns out, last year they laid off only ONE person. ONE. As in ONE PERSON. After all that talk about sequestration and how federal employees are all going to lose their jobs if we implement budget cuts, only one person was laid off. So if you’re looking for job security, you might want to check out the federal government as an option.




Why Everyone is Quitting Congress

May 12, 2014

Congress members with a total of 660 years of experience combined among them are walking out of Congress. Members with decades of experience aren’t seeking re-election. Some are just old and tired or going on to different rat races; others are just fed up with the partisan politics that are rendering Congress useless much more than ever before.

Whatever the reason, the result is going to be a lot of new blood in Congress. Considering the 13% approval rating of our current representatives, new blood could be a good thing. But now that the Supreme Court has pretty much paved the way for our Congress to be even more firmly in the pockets of rich corporations and individuals through the McCutcheon and Citizens United cases, I can’t help but wonder: is the devil of Congress we know now better than the one we’re about to meet?




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